Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Do I Have Answers for You!

by Rachael Phillips

This summer at family reunions, weddings and anniversary celebrations, you, a writer, no doubt have encountered numerous questions regarding your career. Though you are a wordsmith, a master of communication, you often find yourself at a loss for answers. Fear not. After extensive research (mostly eavesdropping in restrooms at writing conferences), I offer succinct replies that should help you navigate such inquiries with aplomb. For example:    

Q: Where do you get your ideas?
A: I plagiarize.

Q: You work at home, don’t you? I wish I could. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about looking good, either.  
A: Yes. [Staring hard at questioner’s hairdo and outfit.] Are you sure you don’t work at home, too?

Q: Writing is a nice little hobby, but I’m sure you have tons of time. Would you please: unlock the door for my plumber/move my baby grand(s) up the stairs/watch my kids, who have head lice/sand and paint our fleet of church buses?   
A: No.         

Q: Did you know God told me you’re supposed to write my book for free?
A: [Big smile] That works. He told me you’re supposed to be my free maid for a year.

Q: Do you write only when you’re inspired?
A: William Faulkner answered that: “Yes. And I get inspired every morning at nine.”

Q: You keep saying you’re a writer. When are you going to publish a book?
A:  It’s only a matter of time before someone appreciates my brilliance. Yours? I’m not so sure.    

Q: My brother/cousin/cocker spaniel published his book with Premier Predator Press. Why all this bother with agents, editors and publishers? Why don’t you just sign a contract with the PPP?      
A: I prefer to keep my literary integrity. Also, my gold fillings and my first born.       

Q: How did you get your agent?
A: I held her at gunpoint.

Q: I’ve never actually written anything, but would you introduce me to her?
A: No. She has her own gun, now.

Q: A writer. Wow, is your family proud of you?
A: Absolutely. I’m sure they’ll tell me so, once I track down their new identities.  

18 comments:

  1. Thank you for starting my morning with some good laughs. Did my heart good. Funny stuff, Rachael. Keep them coming! Blessings on your writing, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I could give you a laugh :-) In this business, we'll either laugh or become plumbers.

      Delete
  2. Rachael, you are too funny! Loved the one about the maid! That's one I think I'll use. I was thinking of you yesterday, friend. I miss you. Hope God is drenching you in blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks, good friend. It's been too long! I'm trying to figure out if I can go to the next ACFW IN meeting. Any chance you'll be there?

    ReplyDelete
  4. Definitely am writing these down. I could use some good answers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL, just don't tell anyone where you got them :-)

      Delete
  5. Brilliant! Best post I've read today. SO FUNNY!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Karla. Glad to give you a grin!

      Delete
  6. I am inspired to face my day.
    Thanks.

    PS... got a thing about plumbers? lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bill,
      Glad I inspired you! I guess I've never met a plumber who actually smiled...except when I handed him my check :-)

      Delete
  7. Rachael--When I was in the service as a medical officer, used to get asked for free medical advice. Finally settled on this one: "You'll need to see me in the office tomorrow so I can examine you, but from what you tell me, it may be cancer." I either smiled or walked away with a serious face, depending on whether I liked them or not.
    Thanks for making me smile.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. [Giggle] I'll have to forward that one to my husband, a family doctor, although his method works pretty well, too: "I'm afraid I can't give you good advice without a thorough examination. But it sounds serious." [accompanied by smile or frown]
      Glad you enjoyed!

      Delete
  8. That was straight-up hilarious. Loved it! Thanks Rachael:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad I could give you a grin! Here's to hoping we get free maids for a year out of the deal :-)

      Delete
  9. You made me laugh as always, Rachael! I love the "You have time to..." comments. I only work as a pharmacist one day a week, and one of the pharmacists says to me - every stinking shift - *Sigh.* "It must be so nice to have so much free time." Oh yes. Free time. 40 hrs/wk of writing, 8 hrs/wk of pharmacy, plus kids at home/laundry/grocery. THAT free time!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sarah,
    Sounds like we need to pray for this guy--you want to pray for the fire, and I'll pray for the brimstone?

    ReplyDelete
  11. I will go to bed laughing, Rachael!! I still keep hearing "When are you going to be on Oprah?" An educator friend once posed that question and I snapped, "When are you going to be teacher of the year?" How do you answer that one?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Becky, I like yours :-) You also might try something like, "I keep telling Oprah, 'You always want me at the same time NBC and the New York Times want interviews. You need to get your act together, girl.'"

    ReplyDelete