Sailing in Deep Point of View

Are you ready to sail into the murky waters of Deep Point of View (POV) seeking treasure worthy of old Black Beard himself?

Copyright Alexey Pavluts - Fotolia.com

Neither am I really, but we’re going to try anyway.

Last month I promised a good example of shallow writing and I don’t think anyone can say I didn’t deliver. The following is an excerpt from a pirate story I wrote for my first creative writing class about 20 years ago. When I read through this again (it’s been a while), my initial reaction was, “Wow, where do I begin?” It’s just that good. Because the corrections are so overwhelming to me, I have decided to tackle the most obvious “tells” first – language that tells, instead of shows – which is more than enough to tackle in this blog. Believe me.

According to Jill Elizabeth Nelson, author of Rivet your readers with deep point of view, when you master Deep POV showing is automatic and telling becomes almost completely non-existent, unless you want it to exist. It is the very nature of Deep POV to show rather than tell. Deep POV exists in the “now.” So how do you do that? I am still the padawan here and not the master, please just bear with me while I muddle through this.

Nelson says Deep POV eliminates narrative distance, is always immediate, and is not italicized. Let’s see how I did.  First, read through my lovely example. I have added changes afterward. I’ve highlighted in yellow the words and phrases that I consider telling instead of showing or insert distance between the character and the reader.

 Startled, Amara dropped her soap into the water which quickly began floating down stream. Amara studied the attractive young man as he went to retrieve the floating bar from the water. He carried himself as if he were someone of great importance. The sun shone in his light brown hair and he was not of slight stature to say the least. She noticed one corner of his mouth seemed to tug constantly, as if laughing at an unspoken joke. As he walked closer to her, Amara could see his face featured a strong jaw line, a narrow nose and dark green eyes which seemingly were laughing at the same joke as his mouth.

“Your soap, fair maiden.”

“What is your name and where are you from?” Amara asked suspiciously.

“My name is Thad, and what is your name my beautiful enchantress?”

“Amara, my name is Amara. But you did not tell me where you are from.”

“I come from the other side of the highest point.” Thad replied as he pointed to the snow-capped mountains that lay far beyond Amara’s small home in the hills. “That is all you need know for now, Amara.” Amara turned her eyes away from the mountains and back to Thad.

“Even the mysterious strangers in my dreams tell me more than that!” she said rather haughtily. Thad laughed a full, rich laugh.

“Do they now? I must remember that the next time I am in a young lady’s dream,” he said.

I told you it was a great example. Now for the (what I hope to be) improvements highlighted in blue/green:

Amara jumped, dropping her soap into the water which quickly began floating down stream. She studied the attractive young man as he attempted to run in the knee deep water to retrieve the floating bar. He carried himself as if he were someone of great importance. Light brown hair peeked out from under his large brimmed hat, and he was not of slight stature to say the least. One corner of his mouth tugged constantly, as if laughing at an unspoken joke. Having obtained his prize, he  strutted back over to her. He has a strong jaw line, a narrow nose and those eyes. They may not be green with envy, but I’d say they are dark green with mischief. Is that even a saying?

“Your soap, fair maiden.”

“What is your name and where are you from?” Amara asked, snatching the soap from his hand.

“My name is Thad, and what is your name my beautiful enchantress?”

“Amara, my name is Amara. But you did not tell me where you are from.”

“I come from the other side of the highest point.” Thad replied lifting his chin toward the snow-capped mountains that lay far beyond Amara’s small home in the hills. “That is all you need know for now, Amara.” Amara turned her eyes away from the mountains and back to Thad.

“Even the mysterious strangers in my dreams tell me more than that!” she snapped. Thad laughed a full, rich laugh.

“Do they now? I must remember that the next time I am in a young girl’s dream,” he said.

So, what do you think? Am I on the right track? What did you notice that I missed?

Thank you for letting me practice with Deep POV in front of all of you. If nothing else, maybe I’ve given you your chuckle for the day. Then again, maybe we’ll learn something together. Either way, I hope you will join me next month for MUCH better dialogue.

H.T. Lord