Need That Definite Article?

While I was revising my first novel manuscript, my crit partners complained that its descriptive passages did not engage a reader's senses. Here was a typical passage:

Ruth slid the galvanized pail of potato peelings off the table and carried it to the backyard, where half a dozen Plymouth Rocks were scratching for worms. When she dumped the pail in their midst, the chickens cackled with delight and began tearing into the fresh vegetable skins.

My sensory cues were there all right, but their effect was lifeless. For one thing, I leaned heavily on the definite article, the. (In those 48 words I just quoted, the appears 6 times.) So I began noticing what happens when a writer does away with it.

On BBC-TV's series, "The Secret Life of Books," I heard the narrator read several passages from Laurie Lee's coming-of-age novel, Cider with Rosie, which rarely uses the.  I bought a copy from a used book store and found this was his consistent pattern. Here's how he describes the house where he grew up:

Our house, and our life in it, is something of which I still constantly dream, helplessly bidden, night after night, to return to its tranquility and nightmares; to the heavy shadows of its stone-walled rooms creviced between bank and yew trees, to its boarded ceilings and gaping mattresses, its bloodshot geranium windows, its smells of damp pepper and mushroom growths, its chaos and rule of women.

In that 66-word sentence, he uses the definite article...once! Here's how he describes their kitchen:

That kitchen, worn by our boots and lives, was scruffy, warm and low, whose fuss of furniture seemed never the same but was shuffled around each day. A black grate crackled with coal and beech twigs; towels toasted on the guard; the mantel was littered with fine old china, horse brasses and freak potatoes...

In those 53 words, he uses the definite article 3 times (half as often as I would). Instead of employing that colorless, tasteless, odorless modifer, he utilizes words that awaken our senses.

Strictly speaking, English syntax calls for the definite article on only three occasions:

• The noun you're modifying is specific. 
• The noun you're modifying is not new to the reader.
• The noun you're modifying refers to an entire class.

Look back at my manuscript sample. Using these rules, see if you eliminate at least half of my definite articles. How would you rewrite the passage in a more engaging way without them? If you find yourself overusing the (as I do), ask yourself whether you're just avoiding the use of your imagination.

Editing for the Tooth Fairy

by Rachael Phillips

My grandson hunched over a piece of wrinkled paper, thinking faster, I knew, than his small fingers could write. “Are you making up a story, Joey?”

He threw me a jack-o’-lantern grin. “Nah. Writing a letter.”

An upstanding member of the Nosy Grandmas of America, I had to know. “To whom?”

“The Tooth Fairy. She’s late.” He shook his head at such inefficiency. “But I better edit this again before I put it under my pillow.”

Words to warm a writer grandma’s heart. Perhaps some of my poor grandchildren have inherited the big ears that run in my family. Maybe I have passed on my poor map reading so that someday, they will end up in Cleveland, when the interview was in Chicago (hey, they both start with C).

But Joey’s Tooth Fairy correspondence gives me hope my descendants will make this world a better place because of wisdom they learned from Grandma, namely:

• Most sentences don’t end with semicolons, no matter how local newspapers read.

• Restaurants whose menus offer hamburger’s and french fry’s should be closed by the Grammar Board of Health.

• “Laying down” often involves losing cash, whereas “lying down” involves a nice, soft sofa or bed and a brief vacation in Dreamland. The wiser choice is obvious.

• Slapping a, comma, in random, places, does not necessarily, a good, sentence make.

• “UR gr8” may impress some Tooth Fairies. Some may even like “Your great.” But if we aspire to higher quality and possibly bigger bucks, grammatical fairies prefer “You are great.”

Finally, spelling and grammar checks are our friends, but they can be sneaky. The best final check is one—no, two, according to Joey—done by exacting humans. And not that I’m prejudiced or anything, but he’s the smartest eight-year-old in the world.

How about you? Any writer wisdom you hope to pass on to your family? Any perfect child/grandchild stories? Pictures?   

Do Your Verbs Need a Workout?

by Rachael Phillips

As a writer, I sometimes receive compliments about my books. A reader may appreciate my characters or my humor. Once I received kudos about food in my stories (“When I read your books, I know somebody will eat something scrumptious. I’ll devour a blow-by-blow description without swallowing a single calorie!”)    

But no one has ever said, “Rachael, I just can’t get enough of your verbs!”

Yet try writing a story without them. In romances, heroines and heroes would not flirt, flounce, fight or kiss. In mysteries, nobody would deduce, shiver, quiver or solve. Or die. Who reads mysteries in which everyone stays alive? Verbs keep the story interesting.

Given their importance, perhaps they should receive more attention. Too often, my verbs degenerate into couch potatoes, content to be, not do. “I AM” never denotes lethargy when the expression refers to God Almighty, the source of all creativity and energy. But too many forms of “be” (am, are, is, was, were, been) stagnate my scenes.

Superfluous “ing” verbs also drain a scene of vitality. They often clump together, clogging my manuscript, but a quick search helps me identify and smooth them, restoring movement to the story. Do you use “going to” in your writing, as in, “She is going to study platypuses in Australia”? Colloquial phrases such as this work in dialogue, but in narrative, the scholar and maybe even the platypuses (if they’re English majors) will fare better if she “plans to study” or “aspires to study.”

Bottom line, present or past tenses project much stronger action than “ing” verbs, so use the former whenever possible.

Verbs in active voice (“The octogenarian drives a purple convertible”) also trump verbs in passive voice (“A purple convertible is driven by the octogenarian”).

Lastly, experiment with vivid verbs. Overuse produces a big-plaid-with-floral-print effect (“She detonated the room with her presence and disseminated hellos, guzzling drinks and demolishing hors d’oeuvres”). But a well-placed, unique action can polish a paragraph to a spit-shine. 

So drag those verbs off the sofa and prod them into action. If we exercise to stay in shape, why shouldn’t they? 

Sharpen Your Craft

As writers we must not only work our craft, we must hone our craft. ACFW provides plenty of opportunities to do that regardless of the level of writing through on-line critique groups, Novel Track, Genesis contest, and loops. The annual conference also is set up to aid all writers from newbie to profit-making professional.

Plenty of fine websites provide helpful tools for quick and reliable reference. Right here on Hoosier Ink we address writing issues. For instance, you can flit over to Steph Pritchard’s “If I Were a Butterfly” on subjunctive mood. Other sites such as http://www.grammarly.com/handbook  and http://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl act as traffic cops at the intersection of sloppy diction and proper English. One site that guides you to other helpful places is http://writing-program.uchicago.edu/resources/grammar.htm.

While computer use increases availability for those hands-on or hard to find questions, sometimes it’s best to hold a book in our hands as we alternately read and work exercises. There’s something about physically recording work that aids in learning.

What is your favorite craft-of-writing source? What is one idea that held great take-away value for you? Do you have a favorite site to check grammar?

Mary Allen, a lifelong Hoosier, has authored many articles and two books of poems, “Journey to Christmas” and “Ten Days to an Empty Tomb”. She also contributed stories to “Kernels of Hope” published by Majesty House. Allen was named La Porte County Poet Laureate 2010-2011. Follow her online at https://www.facebook.com/PoetAndWriterMaryAllen. She blogs monthly for www.thebarndoor.net, a site about the Midwest.

Let's CHANGE These "Rules"!

Since rules become rules through usage, I hereby urge some changes. If we all use what I suggest often enough (and urge others to do the same), we can cause change. And of course, I'm referring here to a few grammar or writing rules. Are you game?

The first rule I'd like changed is the "whom rule." For years, I've been advocating the death of WHOM. I'm pleased journalism is, by and large, doing so, especially when WHOM leads in the sentence. For example, this question: "WHO will the rebels attack today?"

The second rule I'd like changed or modified is the "cliche rule." In the above paragraph, I used "by and large." I like that cliched expression. It says exactly what I want said, so why shouldn't I use it? Obviously, I chose to. (I also chose to use an adverb in the preceding sentence, and to end the sentence with a preposition. Ha! Two more rules I think have been over-emphasized.)

The third writing rule too much in use these days is the "omniscient point of view rule." Hey, I miss omniscience in stories! Sure, it can be overdone, but so can any POV. Nowadays, when I read a novel with some omniscient POV, I cheer and think, good for that daring author. I'll be glad when I'm famous enough to have fun breaking the rules, too! :-)

A fourth usage problem in our English language is NOT a problem in many other languages, including Chinese (my childhood's second language). Maybe you've already guessed the problem -- our HE and SHE antecedent pronoun problem caused in part by our politically correct age. The problem results from English not having a gender-neutral singular pronoun. Sure, we have IT, but so far, it is not used for a person. The Chinese pronoun for either "he" or "she" is TA. Maybe our American English can adopt this Chinese pronoun, like we have many words from other languages.

There are more language rule changes I'd like to suggest, but I'll let you do that in the comments, please. However, while I have your attention, how about one more change that's not language related, and one addition. First, the addition: let's add AYC to our useful list of acronyms, like BTW and FYI -- AYC for "at your convenience." If it's already out there, I've missed it. And nobody knows what it means when I use it.

And the non-language change: let's move our forks to the right side of our plates beside our spoons, and move our knives to the left side. That's how we use them since we no longer dine British or European style. Sometime, maybe during our rebellion against England, we switched hands for the usage of those utensils. Now it's time to switch their position in our table settings.

I do have one more change suggestion. But I'm embarrassed to mentioned it here as I've not followed it. I think ALL BLOGS should be limited to one, two or three paragraphs (like Cec Murphy's). That way, we could all enjoy more blogs during our busy days.

Weekend blessings!
Millie Samuelson

Confused Sometimes?

I always thought ahold was spelled that way. You know, as in “He telephoned to get ahold of her.” Nope. It’s spelled as two words, a hold. Okay, before you let out that snort, let me ask you which is correct, alot or a lot? Uh-huh—a lot of people spell it as one word (which is wrong). But the one that has driven me crazy since I got a hold of how to spell ahold is whether I should use some time(s) as two words, or sometime(s) as a single word. Do you know the answer?

Yeah, I bet you’re foaming at the mouth to know. Well, I looked it up, and guess what? Both are correct—but not interchangeably.

So here we go with an explanation.

The single word sometime(s) can be used as either an adjective or as an adverb. As an adjective, it modifies (or describes or characterizes) a noun. So in the sentence “Sam is my sometimes boyfriend,” the word sometimes modifies (or describes or characterizes) the noun boyfriend. Or, in another example, “Sam is a sometime leader,” the word sometime modifies the noun leader. Frankly, the use of sometime(s) as an adjective is pretty much archaic, so now that you’ve read about it, you can delete it from your memory. (Sorry, I’m a sometimes obsessive-compulsive when it comes to being thorough.)

The most common use of the single word sometime(s) is when it’s used as an adverb. Scratching your head trying to remember what an adverb is? Swallow hard (I’m going OC again): an adverb modifies a verb, an adjective, or another adverb.  I know, I know, makes you want to vomit to think of being so obtusely analytical like that. So forget that definition and grab a hold of this oneà à à one function of an adverb is to tell “when,” or “how often.” And guess what? That’s exactly what sometime(s) does! It tells “when/how often.” Ta daaaa! *lightbulb moment*

Two examples: “Sometimes I love grammar.” (How often do I love grammar? Sometimes. Certainly not always!) “I’m coming to see you sometime this year.” (When this year? Oh, sometime….)

Okay, to review, then—when used as an adjective or an adverb, sometime(s) is a single word. Sooooo, when is it used as two words, some time(s)? You’re going to hate this. You use it as two words when time is a noun, and some is an adjective modifying time. Yep, that’s where I got tangled up in the first place. Quit now with what you learned above, and you’ll still be ahead of the game. Or grit your teeth and clamp on to this final though agonizing explanation.

Some time(s) will usually be used after a preposition like at. You can say either “At some time I will come visit you,” or eliminate the at and simply say “Sometime I will visit you.” Trust me, you don’t want me to go into how time in the first sentence is a noun because it’s the object of a preposition. Just go for the bottom line and use the two words some time(s) after a preposition, or make it really easy on yourself and eliminate using prepositions with it at all! If you use time(s) as a noun, though, you’re going to have use some as a separate word. Example: “You’ll need some time to catch on to this grammar usage.” Or, “History teaches us some times are more difficult to live through than others.”

Well, ahem, that little blogtime cleared it up for me, anyway! Simply put, use sometime(s) when it tells when or how often, and use some time(s) when time(s) is used as a noun. Or better yet, just go for sometime(s) all the time and risk those rare occasions when you’d be incorrect.

How about you? Is there a tricky little word you have trouble spelling ?

Steph Prichard

Are You Stylin'?

Is your writing in style? Which one? There are several, you know. Or, didn’t you know? I’m not talking about font or letter style—I’m talking about grammatical and punctuation style. Yep. Crazy, isn’t it?

I thought there was only one way to punctuate. That’s what my primary and secondary teachers taught me—there was the right way and the wrong way. Right?

Wrong.

It wasn’t until I submitted a book proposal to a contest and received several judges conflicting comments that I realized this wasn’t true. One editor said I used too many commas. The other one said my grammar and punctuation were spot on and gave me a score of five out of five.

How can that be? How can the same work be both right and wrong?

Here’s how. There are many different writing styles and guides. Here are a few:

• ACS Style Guide
• The Chicago Manual of style
• Turabian
• The Elements of Style
• The Elements of Typographic Style
• ISO 690
• MHRA Style Guide
• MLA Handbook
• MLA Style Manual
• The New York Times Manual
• The Associated Press Stylebook
• The Oxford Guide to Style/New Hart’s Rules
• The Publication Manual of the APA

These style guides each contain different sets of rules. Different publishing houses may use different style guides. Some are used by magazines and newspapers; others by universities. Most guides have new and old editions. The current CMS (Chicago Manual of Style) was updated in 2003 to include computer technology and internet information. This manual is the 15th edition and is said to be the biggest update in 20 years. My critique partner, Lisa Harman, says that styles are like different versions of WORD. There are upgrades, but some publishers prefer to keep their older versions—many times because they’re paid for.

So which style should you choose?

Ask. Most publishing houses have a preference and share style sheets with their writers. Sometimes you can find their preference in their guidelines. The style guides enable a standard of uniformity in writing regardless of how many different authors write for the publisher.

Preferred styles relate to things like grammar usage, whether to use ‘ise’ or ‘ize’ at the end of words, whether numbers should be spelled out, or digits used, etc. The New York Times Manual gives some whimsical entries, such as one for how to spell shh.

Here’s another example. Which one is correct?

Her worn Bible sits on the nightstand. I pick it up, run my fingers over its leather cover, and open it.

Her worn Bible sits on the nightstand. I pick it up, run my fingers over its leather cover and open it.

Both are correct. Whether you put the comma after the word cover depends on the style and edition you’re writing for.

But what if you don’t know who is going to be the lucky publisher of your WIP?

Which style do you use? Pick one and be consistent. I choose the Chicago Manual of Style because it’s the one I’m most comfortable with. I figure if I can successfully and consistently demonstrate that I can write within the parameters of the CMS rules, than a publisher will have the confidence in my ability to switch to their style if it’s different. Wouldn’t most of us do that for the sake of getting published?

Dr. Dennis Hensley, the director of the professional writing major at Taylor University, says, “When in doubt, reference my book, Teach Yourself Grammar and Style in 24 Hours.”

Don’t let style inhibit your writing. Just know that there’s a difference and the next time you read a novel, magazine, or newspaper stop and notice the style differences in punctuation. How are they different? And as you gather information about publishers, ask what their preferred style is.

The most important thing, though, is to keep writing because if you’re not writing, you’re not stylin’ at all.

If I Were A Butterfly… Or Was I?

Mary Allen dared to bring you comma rules. I dare to bring you the grammar of subjunctive mood. Yeah, blame it on her for opening the door. And no fair running away! You claim to be a writer? Then you read this and grow as a writer. C’mon, raise your right hand and repeat after me, “I will read every word of this blog, even if I don’t understand it.“

Thank you.

I learned about subjunctive mood in Spanish class. I never heard it mentioned in any English classes (and I was an English major), so if it’s new to you, don’t worry. The point is we all misuse it, and as writers we need to master it.

A verb mood is different from a verb tense. Tense demonstrates time (thus we have present tense, past tense, future tense, etc.), whereas mood indicates a state of reality (or lack thereof). I won’t confuse you by bringing up all the other moods—today is about the subjunctive mood and we don’t give a hoot about the others.

Simply stated, the subjunctive mood deals with a state contrary to reality—such as a wish or a hypothetical what-if situation. So if you wanted to be a butterfly, you wouldn’t say “If I was a butterfly” or “If she was a butterfly.” No, no, no! The fact, the reality, is that you are not a butterfly, so you use the subjunctive. The correct way to say this is “If I were a butterfly” or “If she were a butterfly.”

Hang on, you said you’d read this all the way through. Didn’t you? *whine* Okay, look for the big clue word IF. The subjunctive is most commonly used in connection with that little two-letter word, so begin with it. If, if, if.  Got it? If the word if denotes something is hypothetical and it ain’t reality, then use the subjunctive verb WERE.  So… If, if, if plus were, were, were. Simple, huh? If I were a rich man (reality is I’m not), I’d pay off the national debt. If he were to find the clue (as of yet it’s not a reality), he’d be a hero. If Chris were a girl (no way), he’d be afraid of spiders. If I were to wear a mini skirt (Ha! Me?), I’d never stop blushing.

But…

If I was a rich man (I am), I had to have an heir. If he was to find the clue (somebody set it up so he couldn’t miss it), I was in trouble. If Chris was a girl (the possibility exists), I’d better give her a private room. If I was to wear a mini skirt (I’m obliged), I had to buy it today.

Uh, yeah, let’s end the lesson there Other uses of the subjunctive mood exist, but your editor probably doesn’t know them, and that’s what they hire proofreaders for. But I’m not letting you off the hook. As a writer, you CAN, you MUST, conquer if, if, if plus were, were, were when the context of the sentence is a lack of reality.

You know, if I were a fairy, I’d wave my magic wand and you’d get it. But guess what?

Steph Prichard

Does Grammar Leave You Comma-tose?

Recently after realizing how far I’d strayed from being “comma-tically” correct, I sent my manuscript for a grammar edit. There are many rules about commas however due to space constraints I’m limited to sharing five.

RULE # 1: Use a comma to separate a prepositional phrase if it makes the sentence easier to read or clarifies the meaning. Technically, you could omit the comma in my above opening sentence and it would still be correct, except for the nonexistent word “comma-tically.”


Since I was in a time crunch I’m eternally grateful to Sarah for performing that editing feat, however, I thought it was time I brushed up on my grammar and hopefully some reader will benefit.

RULE # 2: Place a comma before and after a conjunctive adverb that falls amidst other words in the sentence. “However” is the conjunctive adverb which affects the entire clause not just one verb.


Those who love commas know where to put them, but those who don’t would like to make a few suggestions.

RULE #3: A comma separates two independent clauses joined by a coordinating or correlating conjunction. Don’t let the big words confuse you. They mean the two clauses are conjoined at the “but.”


English teachers, grammar police, and left-brain fanatics love the order that commas bring to a sentence. Agents looking for professionally prepared manuscripts, editors wanting the next best seller, and your Grandpa seeking a delicious lunch also think commas are important. (It sounds weird, but stay with me.)

RULE # 4: Commas separate items in a series of three or more words, phrases, or clauses.


If you still don’t believe commas are important, compare the examples below. I’m positive Grandpa has a definite opinion about comma placement and you would, too, in this instance.

Let’s eat Grandpa
Let’s eat, Grandpa

RULE # 5: A comma offsets a noun in a direct address.

It is plain to see the mild-mannered and ordinary comma can save lives. Given this truth, we should all be grateful for grammar, grammar police, and the fact that we don’t have to verbalize commas when we speak or we’d all be covered in spit.

What are the comma frustrations you face?